Over the weekend, I attended a "bad sweater party". The reminded me of a rant I wrote in college about parties like these. It's a rather negative take but I hope you enjoy....
Sometimes in life, I run into people and situations that get under my skin. I am almost always bothered by the little things more than anything. I am in college and when you are in college you often find yourself drinking. That is okay. I sometimes go to parties and drink. I may drink heavily or I may not. The entire situation is fun and I typically enjoy myself. My only question is, what is with all the terms and clever saying? Let me start at the beginning:
I get lost in the lingo and slang of an everyday night. If I am belligerent, this makes the whole night harder. Let’s bring out an example to help me explain. If I’ve drank enough to dance, am I toasted or tipsy? If I’ve drank enough to piss in the kitchen, am I crunked or smashed? And how do I know if I’m f***ed up or wasted? To be f***ed up do I have to throw up or just piss myself? I just can’t find the line. And the more I drink the blurrier it gets. Which brings me to my next and more important point:
I know that college kids think they’re clever, but you can’t pull the wool over my eyes. Remember when we used to drink on Saturdays? It was Saturday night and we’d get crunked or wasted or whatever. Well, you guys started getting antsy for the weekend and you slowly bumped it to Friday. Freaky Friday or Funky Friday or F***ed up Friday. Whatever. And maybe this was a long time in the making. Maybe Friday is a good day to party. But I don’t know who you’re fooling. Giving the day a rhyming name doesn’t change the fact that you’re an alcoholic.
So, maybe it’s a stretch. You’re only drinking on Friday and Saturday. That’s not alcoholism. It’s just being social. Well then how do you explain Thirsty Thursdays? Oh you clever devil. You know I get thirsty on Thursdays and you’re using that against me. I don’t know about you, but when I get thirsty I don’t think of Irish car bombs and jack Daniels. I think of poweraide, milk or water. Maybe that’s just my conservative side.
But you know my fellow lush’s; I’ll give you Thursday because I don’t have any classes on Friday. Maybe this is a trend around the world. Who knows? But Wicked Wednesday? Now you’re just trying too hard. Inebriated Tuesdays? That doesn’t even make sense. And Maniac Mondays? My grandpa has Maniac Mondays. But that’s only because he is a drunk.
So we might as well make Smashed Sundays. Or why not Wasted Weeks? Just name everything in one big swoop. I get it, you’re creative. Whoopee! Let’s move on. Let’s say it’s Wicked Wednesday and you’re heading out to a party. What are you going to wear? Well, if it’s a good party, you’ll wear whatever the f*** you want. If it’s a party that annoys me then it will require attention to the invitation.
What type of party is it? Golf pros and tennis hos? What does that even mean? I went to a party like that and a girl hosted it. She just set woman back 50 years. Guys dress in sweaters and girls wear next to nothing. What the f*** is a tennis ho? Are tennis players secretly pimps? That would be an awesome underground ring. Andre Agassi whoring out women. Weird. Ganstas and hos? Good, I’m well prepared. I just need to dust off my grill. I should never have to buy anything to go to a party. NEVER. Not a hat, or coat or pitching wedge. Nothing.
So, I will wrap this up in saying that I will put my drinking on hold. I will boycott the delicious taste of alcohol until you, my fellow college students, just drink. Stop with the names and terms and parties and just drink. Go places with friends and drink and have a good time. Maybe get drunk. But stop with the tennis hos and thirsty days and getting crunked (which, by the way, I couldn’t even begin the describe what that word means). Stop with all the nonsense and drink like you lost a leg in Vietnam. Use alcohol to forget your problems. Use it as a crutch. Just don’t give it clever name and clever reasons to consume it.
And while you’re learning your lesson I will be sitting alone in my room, not drinking. . . . .Unless of coarse I get thirsty.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Connecticut Christmas (1 of 3)
I am 16 but have never met my father. That is why I am here in this convertible. My name is Matthew and sitting next to me is my brother Chew. We have been driving for 2 days now and are getting excited to see our birth father. Last we heard, he lived in Arizona so that is where we will search.
“Where are we going?” Chew asks.
“We’re almost there, Chew.”
Chew isn’t actually my brother and his name isn’t actually Chew. I guess I should start at the beginning.
My mom was a beautiful girl when she was young. Long before her truck driving days. When she was 17 she met a nice young man who turned out to be my father. Nine months later at least.
The tricky part is that my mom’s twin sister also met this nice young man a week later and she had his baby too. That’s where chew comes in. My mom and Chew’s mom are twin sisters who were knocked up by the same man. To make things more unique, me and Chew were both born on the same day only hours apart.
We have a lot of pride in our family and I love my step-twin brother. He is the most important person to me and the way I see it, he is my whole brother.
It gets weirder though. Our mom’s were in different rooms when they named us. My grandpa’s name is Matthew and they seemed to have the same idea to name their kids after him. So we were both named Matthew, but Chew came out a little different.
Chew grew up with what we thought was a lisp. We soon learned that Chew was actually mentally retarded. He couldn’t pronounce Matthew, he could only say MaChew, so we now call him Chew. My mom always said that it was a miracle that Chew came out retarded or else there would have been a lot of confusion. I agree.
So our dad skipped town and no one’s seen him since. The last we heard he was living in Arizona. He called Grandpa Matthew a few years back. He told him what he was doing and how life was. I’d like to think that he was looking to come back into our lives. But I don’t think Grandpa Matthew would like that too much. So, we’re heading south to find him.
Not only are we looking to meet this man but we’ve also run into some money trouble. Chew’s mom is pretty sick so she can’t work. My mom just lost a finger on her cross-country trucking route and we’ve been waiting for her worker’s compensation. We’re in the market for a prosthetic finger but times are tough. Plus, Grandpa Matthew just died last month so everyone’s been pretty down. Chew always has a smile on his face, but I just need to get out.
Last week I told Chew we were leaving and going to find our dad. He doesn’t really understand but he needs to come. We both need this.
So, Chew and I suited up and said our goodbyes to our moms. We left Connecticut and headed south for Arizona. We’ve been driving a beat up car but traded it in with our baseball card collection for this awesome convertible. The convertible can only reach 30 mph but it has been a lifesaver with the heat.
Chew has been complaining for most of the trip. “Its so hot here, Machew. And I stuck my head out the window like you told me to but I can’t breath. I can’t breath Machew. And if I can’t breath then I will die Machew. I don’t want to die!”
Chew is wearing a dirty starter jacket, sweat pants and LA gear light up shoes. It is a week away from Christmas and Chew is positive it will snow. I’ve explained to him that it won’t snow where we’re going but he is adamant that it will. So I let him.
Chew turns the radio on, “Rockin’ Jams 101.7 the Rockin-est Rock!”
A DJ comes on the radio, “big news for the drivers out there. It seems there has been a huge recall on several makes and models of cars. It appears that the airbags are deploying for no reason. This could become a serious problem. Be safe out there drivers and check online to see if your car is included in the recall.”
Chew continues to sweat and try to breath while sticking his head over the door. We drive into Phoenix and Chew starts to get excited. “Penix, Penix!” Chew yells.
“Where are we going?” Chew asks.
“We’re almost there, Chew.”
Chew isn’t actually my brother and his name isn’t actually Chew. I guess I should start at the beginning.
My mom was a beautiful girl when she was young. Long before her truck driving days. When she was 17 she met a nice young man who turned out to be my father. Nine months later at least.
The tricky part is that my mom’s twin sister also met this nice young man a week later and she had his baby too. That’s where chew comes in. My mom and Chew’s mom are twin sisters who were knocked up by the same man. To make things more unique, me and Chew were both born on the same day only hours apart.
We have a lot of pride in our family and I love my step-twin brother. He is the most important person to me and the way I see it, he is my whole brother.
It gets weirder though. Our mom’s were in different rooms when they named us. My grandpa’s name is Matthew and they seemed to have the same idea to name their kids after him. So we were both named Matthew, but Chew came out a little different.
Chew grew up with what we thought was a lisp. We soon learned that Chew was actually mentally retarded. He couldn’t pronounce Matthew, he could only say MaChew, so we now call him Chew. My mom always said that it was a miracle that Chew came out retarded or else there would have been a lot of confusion. I agree.
So our dad skipped town and no one’s seen him since. The last we heard he was living in Arizona. He called Grandpa Matthew a few years back. He told him what he was doing and how life was. I’d like to think that he was looking to come back into our lives. But I don’t think Grandpa Matthew would like that too much. So, we’re heading south to find him.
Not only are we looking to meet this man but we’ve also run into some money trouble. Chew’s mom is pretty sick so she can’t work. My mom just lost a finger on her cross-country trucking route and we’ve been waiting for her worker’s compensation. We’re in the market for a prosthetic finger but times are tough. Plus, Grandpa Matthew just died last month so everyone’s been pretty down. Chew always has a smile on his face, but I just need to get out.
Last week I told Chew we were leaving and going to find our dad. He doesn’t really understand but he needs to come. We both need this.
So, Chew and I suited up and said our goodbyes to our moms. We left Connecticut and headed south for Arizona. We’ve been driving a beat up car but traded it in with our baseball card collection for this awesome convertible. The convertible can only reach 30 mph but it has been a lifesaver with the heat.
Chew has been complaining for most of the trip. “Its so hot here, Machew. And I stuck my head out the window like you told me to but I can’t breath. I can’t breath Machew. And if I can’t breath then I will die Machew. I don’t want to die!”
Chew is wearing a dirty starter jacket, sweat pants and LA gear light up shoes. It is a week away from Christmas and Chew is positive it will snow. I’ve explained to him that it won’t snow where we’re going but he is adamant that it will. So I let him.
Chew turns the radio on, “Rockin’ Jams 101.7 the Rockin-est Rock!”
A DJ comes on the radio, “big news for the drivers out there. It seems there has been a huge recall on several makes and models of cars. It appears that the airbags are deploying for no reason. This could become a serious problem. Be safe out there drivers and check online to see if your car is included in the recall.”
Chew continues to sweat and try to breath while sticking his head over the door. We drive into Phoenix and Chew starts to get excited. “Penix, Penix!” Chew yells.
Connecticut Christmas (2 of 3)
We drive up to a motel and I pay for a night. I hope that will be enough to find our dad. We just don’t know where to start looking. We’re not positive what he does but we know he makes great money. He’s a businessman of some sort and he owes us child support.
We start by looking in phone books. His name is Merl Furqward. You would think that there could only be one Merl Furqward in all of Phoenix but there are 12. We start at the top.
“When do we get to see dad, Machew?” Chew asks.
“Soon enough buddy. I’ve just gotta call a few numbers and we’ll find out where he lives. Then we can finally meet him.”
Chew responds to himself, “He lives in Penix, my dad does. And I get to see him. And it is like a Christmas present because it is almost Christmas but that isn’t my only present because I told Santa what I want and it will be waiting for me back in Curneckertut.” Chew can’t say Connecticut.
So, I call the numbers and catch a break. They are all disconnected numbers except my dad’s. I don’t know what was up with the other numbers. He answered his every time I called, which was several. And every time he said hello, I hung up. I can’t bring myself to talk to him. I’m afraid he won’t want to see me.
I finally stir up enough guts to talk to him. “Hello, Merl? Hi, this is…uh…this is Matt’s Extermination and you have won a free de-bugging service. Yeah, but uh it seems your number is not in the phone book so if you would just give me your address I can swing by in the next week and deliver your free service.” I write the address down and hang up. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell him.
Me and Chew eat out of the vending machine for dinner. We will go to our dad’s house tomorrow. Sleep now and go tomorrow.
“Did you talk to dad?” Chew asks.
“Yea I did, and he told us where he lives.”
“Will he like me, Machew?” Chew wonders.
“Of coarse he will Chew. How can he not like you?”
Chew thinks for a minute. “I know, but maybe he won’t.”
“Just sleep Chew, and tomorrow we’ll go and see him.” We both lay down and Chew’s feet stick out of the bottom of the bed. His shoes are still on and they light up the entire room.
The next morning we wake up and get ready to go. Chew whines, “Can we eat first? I don’t want to meet my dad when I’m hungry.”
We go to get some breakfast. The waitress makes polite conversation, “And what are you boys doing here?” She points at Chew, “You ain’t dressed like you’re from Arizona.”
Chew answers with food in his mouth, “We’re from Curneckertut and came to Penix to see our dad. My mom is sick and we’re going to meet out dad in Penix. He is nice but I never met him.”
She looks at him for a minute. “Curneckertut?”
Chew says, “yea” and keeps eating.
“We’re just here to meet our father,” I explained to waitress. She nodded her head politely and walked away.
We finish with our meal and head over to see our dad. I am nervous but Chew sang Disney songs all the way there. We pull into his driveway and the place is beat up. It looks worse than our trailer back in Connecticut.
We knock but no one answers. Our dad is not home. All the lights are off and I look through a window at the side of the house and it looks deserted. A neighbor walks up behind me, “You looking for Merl?”
I tell him I am and ask if he knows where I can find him.
The neighbor responds, “Yea, he leaves for work in the morning and comes back in the evening. He won’t be back here until late. But you can catch him at work if you like Santa.”
Chew’s eyes light up, “I like Santa!”
The neighbor continues, “Well, he is a Santa down at the mall and you can go see him there.”
I tell him thanks and we head off for the mall.
Chew is still trying to process the information, “Our dad is Santa? Santa is dad? This is amazing.” Chew sticks his head out the window to yell but can’t breath and quickly comes back to his seat and coughs.
We go into the mall and find SantaLand. Chew is excited but I’m hesitant. We find the line of kids and wait. We wait for 2 hours before we get to the front and then I see him. I can’t tell what he looks like but it’s my dad. My father who I’ve never met. The man that is missing in my game of catch and the man who will teach me how to shave. He has a cut off T-shirt on and a white beard that is turning brown from dirt.
We walk up to him. He smells like baby powder and scotch. He asks us, “Ho Ho Ho, aren’t you boys a little big for Santa?”
Chew screams, “Santa! I mean dad! I love you so much!”
“What’s he talking about? Hey, elf, get these kids outta here!” Santa yells.
“But wait,” I said, “We’re your son’s. I’m your boy, I just want to meet you.” That’s when Sprinkles and Plunket grabbed my collar and took me and Chew out of the store. We had been defeated by 2 boys our age with curled shoes.
We decided to wait at his house meet him when he came home. This took longer than expect. We waited for 7 hours and he finally stumbled out of his car. He was drunk and he had a friend with him. It was a girl who couldn’t have been older than me. She was drunk and he dragged her everywhere by her wrist. Our dad took that young girl inside.
He fucked her.
She passed out somewhere in the middle. But our fucking deadbeat pervert of a dad fucked her. He smacked her and fucked her. He’s not the man I thought I would find. This is the same piece of shit man that fucked my mom. The same piece of shit that fucked my aunt. I made Chew sit in the car while I watched. I couldn’t take my eyes away. It was like a car accident but in this case I just wanted a knife to cut his dick off. This piece of shit man needs to be stopped. I will kill this son of a bitch.
I get back in the car to breath a bit. Chew and I go back to the motel to sleep. I don’t sleep though, I stare. I stare and plot. Everything I just saw keeps replaying in my mind and I want to kill him.
We start by looking in phone books. His name is Merl Furqward. You would think that there could only be one Merl Furqward in all of Phoenix but there are 12. We start at the top.
“When do we get to see dad, Machew?” Chew asks.
“Soon enough buddy. I’ve just gotta call a few numbers and we’ll find out where he lives. Then we can finally meet him.”
Chew responds to himself, “He lives in Penix, my dad does. And I get to see him. And it is like a Christmas present because it is almost Christmas but that isn’t my only present because I told Santa what I want and it will be waiting for me back in Curneckertut.” Chew can’t say Connecticut.
So, I call the numbers and catch a break. They are all disconnected numbers except my dad’s. I don’t know what was up with the other numbers. He answered his every time I called, which was several. And every time he said hello, I hung up. I can’t bring myself to talk to him. I’m afraid he won’t want to see me.
I finally stir up enough guts to talk to him. “Hello, Merl? Hi, this is…uh…this is Matt’s Extermination and you have won a free de-bugging service. Yeah, but uh it seems your number is not in the phone book so if you would just give me your address I can swing by in the next week and deliver your free service.” I write the address down and hang up. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell him.
Me and Chew eat out of the vending machine for dinner. We will go to our dad’s house tomorrow. Sleep now and go tomorrow.
“Did you talk to dad?” Chew asks.
“Yea I did, and he told us where he lives.”
“Will he like me, Machew?” Chew wonders.
“Of coarse he will Chew. How can he not like you?”
Chew thinks for a minute. “I know, but maybe he won’t.”
“Just sleep Chew, and tomorrow we’ll go and see him.” We both lay down and Chew’s feet stick out of the bottom of the bed. His shoes are still on and they light up the entire room.
The next morning we wake up and get ready to go. Chew whines, “Can we eat first? I don’t want to meet my dad when I’m hungry.”
We go to get some breakfast. The waitress makes polite conversation, “And what are you boys doing here?” She points at Chew, “You ain’t dressed like you’re from Arizona.”
Chew answers with food in his mouth, “We’re from Curneckertut and came to Penix to see our dad. My mom is sick and we’re going to meet out dad in Penix. He is nice but I never met him.”
She looks at him for a minute. “Curneckertut?”
Chew says, “yea” and keeps eating.
“We’re just here to meet our father,” I explained to waitress. She nodded her head politely and walked away.
We finish with our meal and head over to see our dad. I am nervous but Chew sang Disney songs all the way there. We pull into his driveway and the place is beat up. It looks worse than our trailer back in Connecticut.
We knock but no one answers. Our dad is not home. All the lights are off and I look through a window at the side of the house and it looks deserted. A neighbor walks up behind me, “You looking for Merl?”
I tell him I am and ask if he knows where I can find him.
The neighbor responds, “Yea, he leaves for work in the morning and comes back in the evening. He won’t be back here until late. But you can catch him at work if you like Santa.”
Chew’s eyes light up, “I like Santa!”
The neighbor continues, “Well, he is a Santa down at the mall and you can go see him there.”
I tell him thanks and we head off for the mall.
Chew is still trying to process the information, “Our dad is Santa? Santa is dad? This is amazing.” Chew sticks his head out the window to yell but can’t breath and quickly comes back to his seat and coughs.
We go into the mall and find SantaLand. Chew is excited but I’m hesitant. We find the line of kids and wait. We wait for 2 hours before we get to the front and then I see him. I can’t tell what he looks like but it’s my dad. My father who I’ve never met. The man that is missing in my game of catch and the man who will teach me how to shave. He has a cut off T-shirt on and a white beard that is turning brown from dirt.
We walk up to him. He smells like baby powder and scotch. He asks us, “Ho Ho Ho, aren’t you boys a little big for Santa?”
Chew screams, “Santa! I mean dad! I love you so much!”
“What’s he talking about? Hey, elf, get these kids outta here!” Santa yells.
“But wait,” I said, “We’re your son’s. I’m your boy, I just want to meet you.” That’s when Sprinkles and Plunket grabbed my collar and took me and Chew out of the store. We had been defeated by 2 boys our age with curled shoes.
We decided to wait at his house meet him when he came home. This took longer than expect. We waited for 7 hours and he finally stumbled out of his car. He was drunk and he had a friend with him. It was a girl who couldn’t have been older than me. She was drunk and he dragged her everywhere by her wrist. Our dad took that young girl inside.
He fucked her.
She passed out somewhere in the middle. But our fucking deadbeat pervert of a dad fucked her. He smacked her and fucked her. He’s not the man I thought I would find. This is the same piece of shit man that fucked my mom. The same piece of shit that fucked my aunt. I made Chew sit in the car while I watched. I couldn’t take my eyes away. It was like a car accident but in this case I just wanted a knife to cut his dick off. This piece of shit man needs to be stopped. I will kill this son of a bitch.
I get back in the car to breath a bit. Chew and I go back to the motel to sleep. I don’t sleep though, I stare. I stare and plot. Everything I just saw keeps replaying in my mind and I want to kill him.
Connecticut Christmas (3 of 3)
The next morning we go to the mall. And we volunteer as elves. Which turns out is much easier than being hired as one. We have a post in SantaLand where the fake snow is and we have to make sure it stays there. It is boring.
There is a car that was being shown across our post but they are hauling it away today. The airbags are deployed and a man is leaving on a stretcher. I suppose that recall is really starting to hurt people.
I try to pass the time by watching people but I keep thinking about last night. I start to day dream and I walk up to him tell him who I am. He will try to get me to leave but I will snap off the glass candy cane sitting next to him and slice his throat. I guess he can’t rape girls when his throat is leaking on SantaLand’s snow.
I snap out of it and think for a bit.
Chew recites what he wants for Christmas, “Lotsa lego’s and a pair of scissors with the safety edges because I lost mine. And a glue stick because I ate mine and candy and baseball cards with gum because my cards were given to a man with a car and my dad. I want my dad for Christmas. But my dad is Santa so I wan t Santa.” Chew looks at me, “You think my mom knows that my dad is Santa?”
“I don’t know Chew. But we’re going to be leaving soon. Real soon Chew.”
“What about dad?” Chew asks.
“We’re going to meet him outside.”
Of coarse when I say meet I mean stab excessively. I have decided that I will kill him for sure. I buy a knife at a shit hole store later that day and head back to the mall before the old man gets out. I see him walk out the doors and I head toward him.
Chew asks, “What are you going to do to dad?”
“I’m sorry Chew, but I’m going to kill him.” I head after him but he is about 30 yards away. He is heading for his car and I figure I’ll meet him there.
Chew yells after me, “No don’t. Dad is Santa and we look alike and if you kill Santa he may not know which one of us is which and you will be on the naughty list but you look like me, so he may put me on the naughty list.” Chew screams, “Don’t kill Santa.”
Our dad, if you can call him that, crosses the parking lot and turns around when Chew yells. He sees me with my knife and looks wide-eyed.
A car hits our dad and mashes him under its tires. He is dead on contact. The boy who was driving was a student driver. He stares for a minute. He looks at the instructor, “Does this mean I . . .” his airbag goes off before he has a chance to finish.
Me and Chew stand there in awe that our father is dead. Neither of us knows what to say. Chew starts crying. We get in the car and start to leave the parking lot.
An old lady is trying to park her car and slowly pulls into a spot. We wait for her and she edges closer and closer. The tip of her bumper touches the car next to her and her airbag goes off. She slams the gas and rams several cars around her.
I’m sure she’s dead.
We head back to Connecticut and Chew sings Christmas songs the whole way there. It took about 5 minutes for me to get him to stop crying, all I had to do was explain to him that our dad wasn’t Santa. I told him that our dad died a painful death but Santa was still alive.
Chew was happy.
There is a car that was being shown across our post but they are hauling it away today. The airbags are deployed and a man is leaving on a stretcher. I suppose that recall is really starting to hurt people.
I try to pass the time by watching people but I keep thinking about last night. I start to day dream and I walk up to him tell him who I am. He will try to get me to leave but I will snap off the glass candy cane sitting next to him and slice his throat. I guess he can’t rape girls when his throat is leaking on SantaLand’s snow.
I snap out of it and think for a bit.
Chew recites what he wants for Christmas, “Lotsa lego’s and a pair of scissors with the safety edges because I lost mine. And a glue stick because I ate mine and candy and baseball cards with gum because my cards were given to a man with a car and my dad. I want my dad for Christmas. But my dad is Santa so I wan t Santa.” Chew looks at me, “You think my mom knows that my dad is Santa?”
“I don’t know Chew. But we’re going to be leaving soon. Real soon Chew.”
“What about dad?” Chew asks.
“We’re going to meet him outside.”
Of coarse when I say meet I mean stab excessively. I have decided that I will kill him for sure. I buy a knife at a shit hole store later that day and head back to the mall before the old man gets out. I see him walk out the doors and I head toward him.
Chew asks, “What are you going to do to dad?”
“I’m sorry Chew, but I’m going to kill him.” I head after him but he is about 30 yards away. He is heading for his car and I figure I’ll meet him there.
Chew yells after me, “No don’t. Dad is Santa and we look alike and if you kill Santa he may not know which one of us is which and you will be on the naughty list but you look like me, so he may put me on the naughty list.” Chew screams, “Don’t kill Santa.”
Our dad, if you can call him that, crosses the parking lot and turns around when Chew yells. He sees me with my knife and looks wide-eyed.
A car hits our dad and mashes him under its tires. He is dead on contact. The boy who was driving was a student driver. He stares for a minute. He looks at the instructor, “Does this mean I . . .” his airbag goes off before he has a chance to finish.
Me and Chew stand there in awe that our father is dead. Neither of us knows what to say. Chew starts crying. We get in the car and start to leave the parking lot.
An old lady is trying to park her car and slowly pulls into a spot. We wait for her and she edges closer and closer. The tip of her bumper touches the car next to her and her airbag goes off. She slams the gas and rams several cars around her.
I’m sure she’s dead.
We head back to Connecticut and Chew sings Christmas songs the whole way there. It took about 5 minutes for me to get him to stop crying, all I had to do was explain to him that our dad wasn’t Santa. I told him that our dad died a painful death but Santa was still alive.
Chew was happy.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Running Late
Wait…before you go, I just wanted to let you know, that I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re too damn stupid to understand. I’m sorry you were never taught how to read a clock. Damnit, I said 5 and you come waltzing in here at 15 after. I should have eaten. I don’t like cold food, but apparently you do. Apparently, the little world that revolves around your beer belly has to eat cold asparagus because you like it that way. Just another bump in the road, right? How many bumps until we tip over? Huh, Howard, how many bumps? And I asked you to fix that shower this weekend because the drain is clogged with hair, and did you? Nope! That shower doesn’t even drain now. Maybe your balding head should fix it since it is after all his fault. We can’t even shower until you feel like it. We can’t shower until you have time in between your under-achieving job, calling your mom and being a dumbass. Maybe you could squeeze it in, Hun? What do you think? God, I stayed with you through your infertile years. You can play with boxes all day at work but you sure as hell don’t know how to work mine. Oh, did that surprise you Howard? Catch you off guard? And just so you know, golden retrievers are not the same as children. I have needs! . . . . . Go ahead, leave. But just know, just know that if you walk out that door, don’t expect to come back . . . . . . . Wait, Howard, come back, I said I was sorry. What more do you want from me? . . . . . . . Fine! Go, but you’ll be back, no one else will put up with you . . . Wait, what about the shower?
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
The Men's Room
(Pete Sminkle sits at his cubicle and bounces his knees. He downs the last of his cup of coffee and closes a document on his computer. He stands up quickly and Jan is standing on the other side.)
JAN
Hey Pete! How are things going?
PETE
Good Jan, I’m real good and I’d love to tell you about it but I’m kind of in a hurry.
JAN
Well, I just wanted to stop by and say hey.
(Bill walks past the cubicle)
BILL
Hey there colleagues. What a beautiful Monday! Pound it!
(Bill makes a fist and points it at Pete. Pete is slow to react but connects with his fist. Bill leaves.)
PETE
What a beautiful Monday? Is he serious?
JAN
Well, I’d steer clear of Bill anyways, he’s been ranting and raving all morning about winning the sales contest. It’s really getting annoying.
PETE
(Fast without pauses)
Oh really Jan, that’s awesome, I gotta go, see ya later!
JAN
Well, maybe we can hang out this . . .
(Pete leaves before Jan can finish her sentence. Pete races toward the restroom in short steps with his butt clenched together. He gets to the restroom and sees Bill walk in before him. He hesitates and takes a deep breath, then walks in. Bill’s shiny shoes dangle under one stall and Pete goes into another that is two stalls down. He undoes his pants and sits down.)
BILL
(Deep sigh)
Unbelievable! Un-be-lieve-able! Sheesh, I cannot believe this. Hmm. Is someone over there?
PETE
Uh, what? Me?
BILL
Hey! Pete Sminkle! Is that you!? Sminks!
PETE
Hey Bill.
(Bill pulls his pants back up and comes out of his stall and into the one next to Pete. He shuts the door, undoes his pants and sits down.)
BILL
Sorry about all the noise over there, it’s just this stupid phone. I told my wife we didn’t need the same phone, but she wanted matching ones. Maybe a pink faceplate I suggested but no. So they got switched up and I brought hers to work. Unbelievable huh, Sminkle?
PETE
Yea, that’s pretty crazy Bill.
BILL
So, I don’t know if you heard or not, but it looks as if I pulled in the most sales this month. That’s 3 in a row Sminks. Hat Trick! Pound it!
(Bill reaches his fist under the stall)
PETE
Do What? No man.
(Pete brushes Bill’s hand away with his foot)
BILL
That’s one more Home Depot gift card in the bank. And they don’t play here Sminkle, that thing is worth 50 buckaroos. Pretty sweet huh? I guess that’s just what happens when you love your job like I do. I truly have a love for this place, good old region 503.
(Pause. Followed by a loud farting noise)
Wooooooo buddy. So what are ya in for? The weekend wets or is this one scheduled?
PETE
What? I don’t know.
(Long pause with coughs, farts and moans)
BILL
So did you hear the big news? I had the most sales again this month.
PETE
Yea, Bill we just talked about that, not 2 minutes ago.
BILL
Yea, man. Hat trick. I don’t even know what I’m gonna spend it on. We need lighting fixtures and the wife’s been on my back about the gazebo. I wonder if 50 bucks will cover the gazebo wood. Hmm, maybe I’ll start on the armoire. Not real sure what it is, I think it’s like an entertainment center with a footrest. Maybe I’ll just wait until next month when I win again. That’s be four times in a row. Hey Sminkle, what do you call four in a row? Quad trick. Quad trick Smink?
PETE
Yea, I don’t know.
BILL
Well anyway.
(pause)
So, casual Friday is coming up.
PETE
It “comes up” every week, Bill. And today is the furthest work day from it.
BILL
Yea, well I think I’m gonna wear my planet Hollywood shirt. It’s the one I got in Georgia. Did I ever tell you about that trip? Talk about tropical, Sminks. Yea.
(Long Pause)
BILL
Sex, drugs, rock and roll. Speed, weed, birth control. Life’s a bitch and then you die. So, fuck the world and let’s get high.
PETE
What?
BILL
Just some bathroom poetry. Some of the things in here are so beautiful. Man, people must really find a lot of inspiration while they take a ride to brown town. Man, this stuff is great. What does yours say Smink?
PETE
There’s a lot of stuff Bill.
BILL
Come on read some.
PETE
Well, there’s a lot of racist comments. Most of it is pretty offensive. I’d rather not read them.
BILL
Read one man, come one.
PETE
Well, there are a lot of names and numbers. Hey, Jan’s number is in here. . . . OK, and apparently there is a woman who is called the boa constrictor because she can swallow you whole. I don’t know what that means but there is an arrow that points to it indicating she is a dirty ho dinger. And there’s a penis drawn next to it.
BILL
What a little freak. Sminkle, please tell me there’s a number.
PETE
There’s a number, Bill.
BILL
Sminks, what I am about to say is very important. I have never held more conviction. I have never spoke words that were more important than this. Sminkle?
PETE
Yea?
BILL
Call. That. Number! Call it Sminky. Call that number.
PETE
No, I’m not gonna call it.
BILL
You have to Sminks. You absolutely have to. This is so important. Dude, you used to always do this crazy stuff. We used to call you brass balls Sminks. Man, you’re gonna back out now after all we’ve been through. We used to hang out all . . .
PETE
(Interrupts)
Bill, we have never hung out before. You never called me brass anything. I gotta get going. If I’m gonna beat you in this fourth month I gotta start now. See ya Bill.
(Pete lifts his feet as though he is leaving. He jingles his pants and kicks the door open. He pats his hands on his thighs to make a walking sound. A pause)
BILL
Sminkle, you’re still here.
PETE
Fine Bill I’ll call! But only if you let me finish in silence.
BILL
I promise Sminks. This is going to be awesome.
(Pete dials)
PETE
It’s ringing.
BILL
Yea, call that slut.
PETE
I am Bill relax.
(Bill’s wife’s phone begins ringing)
PETE
Hey, Bill your wife’s phone is ringing. This is awkward.
(Blackout.)
JAN
Hey Pete! How are things going?
PETE
Good Jan, I’m real good and I’d love to tell you about it but I’m kind of in a hurry.
JAN
Well, I just wanted to stop by and say hey.
(Bill walks past the cubicle)
BILL
Hey there colleagues. What a beautiful Monday! Pound it!
(Bill makes a fist and points it at Pete. Pete is slow to react but connects with his fist. Bill leaves.)
PETE
What a beautiful Monday? Is he serious?
JAN
Well, I’d steer clear of Bill anyways, he’s been ranting and raving all morning about winning the sales contest. It’s really getting annoying.
PETE
(Fast without pauses)
Oh really Jan, that’s awesome, I gotta go, see ya later!
JAN
Well, maybe we can hang out this . . .
(Pete leaves before Jan can finish her sentence. Pete races toward the restroom in short steps with his butt clenched together. He gets to the restroom and sees Bill walk in before him. He hesitates and takes a deep breath, then walks in. Bill’s shiny shoes dangle under one stall and Pete goes into another that is two stalls down. He undoes his pants and sits down.)
BILL
(Deep sigh)
Unbelievable! Un-be-lieve-able! Sheesh, I cannot believe this. Hmm. Is someone over there?
PETE
Uh, what? Me?
BILL
Hey! Pete Sminkle! Is that you!? Sminks!
PETE
Hey Bill.
(Bill pulls his pants back up and comes out of his stall and into the one next to Pete. He shuts the door, undoes his pants and sits down.)
BILL
Sorry about all the noise over there, it’s just this stupid phone. I told my wife we didn’t need the same phone, but she wanted matching ones. Maybe a pink faceplate I suggested but no. So they got switched up and I brought hers to work. Unbelievable huh, Sminkle?
PETE
Yea, that’s pretty crazy Bill.
BILL
So, I don’t know if you heard or not, but it looks as if I pulled in the most sales this month. That’s 3 in a row Sminks. Hat Trick! Pound it!
(Bill reaches his fist under the stall)
PETE
Do What? No man.
(Pete brushes Bill’s hand away with his foot)
BILL
That’s one more Home Depot gift card in the bank. And they don’t play here Sminkle, that thing is worth 50 buckaroos. Pretty sweet huh? I guess that’s just what happens when you love your job like I do. I truly have a love for this place, good old region 503.
(Pause. Followed by a loud farting noise)
Wooooooo buddy. So what are ya in for? The weekend wets or is this one scheduled?
PETE
What? I don’t know.
(Long pause with coughs, farts and moans)
BILL
So did you hear the big news? I had the most sales again this month.
PETE
Yea, Bill we just talked about that, not 2 minutes ago.
BILL
Yea, man. Hat trick. I don’t even know what I’m gonna spend it on. We need lighting fixtures and the wife’s been on my back about the gazebo. I wonder if 50 bucks will cover the gazebo wood. Hmm, maybe I’ll start on the armoire. Not real sure what it is, I think it’s like an entertainment center with a footrest. Maybe I’ll just wait until next month when I win again. That’s be four times in a row. Hey Sminkle, what do you call four in a row? Quad trick. Quad trick Smink?
PETE
Yea, I don’t know.
BILL
Well anyway.
(pause)
So, casual Friday is coming up.
PETE
It “comes up” every week, Bill. And today is the furthest work day from it.
BILL
Yea, well I think I’m gonna wear my planet Hollywood shirt. It’s the one I got in Georgia. Did I ever tell you about that trip? Talk about tropical, Sminks. Yea.
(Long Pause)
BILL
Sex, drugs, rock and roll. Speed, weed, birth control. Life’s a bitch and then you die. So, fuck the world and let’s get high.
PETE
What?
BILL
Just some bathroom poetry. Some of the things in here are so beautiful. Man, people must really find a lot of inspiration while they take a ride to brown town. Man, this stuff is great. What does yours say Smink?
PETE
There’s a lot of stuff Bill.
BILL
Come on read some.
PETE
Well, there’s a lot of racist comments. Most of it is pretty offensive. I’d rather not read them.
BILL
Read one man, come one.
PETE
Well, there are a lot of names and numbers. Hey, Jan’s number is in here. . . . OK, and apparently there is a woman who is called the boa constrictor because she can swallow you whole. I don’t know what that means but there is an arrow that points to it indicating she is a dirty ho dinger. And there’s a penis drawn next to it.
BILL
What a little freak. Sminkle, please tell me there’s a number.
PETE
There’s a number, Bill.
BILL
Sminks, what I am about to say is very important. I have never held more conviction. I have never spoke words that were more important than this. Sminkle?
PETE
Yea?
BILL
Call. That. Number! Call it Sminky. Call that number.
PETE
No, I’m not gonna call it.
BILL
You have to Sminks. You absolutely have to. This is so important. Dude, you used to always do this crazy stuff. We used to call you brass balls Sminks. Man, you’re gonna back out now after all we’ve been through. We used to hang out all . . .
PETE
(Interrupts)
Bill, we have never hung out before. You never called me brass anything. I gotta get going. If I’m gonna beat you in this fourth month I gotta start now. See ya Bill.
(Pete lifts his feet as though he is leaving. He jingles his pants and kicks the door open. He pats his hands on his thighs to make a walking sound. A pause)
BILL
Sminkle, you’re still here.
PETE
Fine Bill I’ll call! But only if you let me finish in silence.
BILL
I promise Sminks. This is going to be awesome.
(Pete dials)
PETE
It’s ringing.
BILL
Yea, call that slut.
PETE
I am Bill relax.
(Bill’s wife’s phone begins ringing)
PETE
Hey, Bill your wife’s phone is ringing. This is awkward.
(Blackout.)
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Blackouts, fire alarms, and gay sex
The story is based on true events that happened at Lorain County Community College.
Its hard to figure out where to begin the story. So many factors and minute details to reveal. All I can say is that it couldn't have started any other way. It is the kind of story that can't be made up. It would be impossible. Some may call it irony at its finest. Or maybe just a good story. However it is labeled, one thing is for sure, I will never forget that day in september when I discovered LCCC is not just an average and boring community college that it so often gets named.
It began during a boring Earth Science course around 1:00 in the afternoon. It was the sort of class that put students in comas. Nobody cared for it. It felt more like a waste of time. So the class is sitting there desparetly fighting off sleep, when a miracle happens. The power goes out. It wasn't that unusual, but it was exciting enough to wake the class. I'm not sure what other students were thinking, but I was hoping like no other that class would be canceled due to the unexpected blackout.
Ofcourse it wasn't though and the determined professor decided to press on without fear of no electricity, and no lights. My hopes were needless to say, crushed.
I can't express how it feels to be in a boring class, let alone a boring class without lights on. There was no way I was going to be able to stay awake. I could barely do that with the lights on. I was screwed. Then miracle number two happened. The fire alarm sounded.
I felt like a little kid on christmas eve ready to be spoiled. It was like God answered my prayer. Class was obviously canceled due to the unexpected alarm. I had the rest of the day to forget about the boring class, the boring teacher, and the boring material that I really never learned anyway because I wasn't paying attention in the first place.
It really did feel like a miracle. The building we were in was the only building where the fire alarm went off. It had to be a miracle.
As I exited the building, not to be too crude, but I noticed I had to urinate, pretty badly. I had ants in my pants, what can I say. My bladder felt like it was going to explode. I realized later that it was due to drinking 7 cups of coffee and an Arizona green tea right before class. It was inevitable, and it hit me like a bag of bricks.
Now, I can't use the bathroom in the building I was in because of the fire alarm. That was obvious. So I headed towards the closest building, that I knew of, with an accessible bathroom.
I can't imagine what I looked like. Running around campuse deperately trying to find a restroom. I know I looked something like a mix of a "jerk" and an "ass-hat". I'd say that's about right.
So I find the rest room. But there is a problem. The power is out. Thank God I smoke cigarettes because if I didn't, then I would not happen to have a lighter, and that would utimately result in me pissing blind. Which is not a skill I have mastered quite yet.
Anyway, lighter in hand, I entered. What happened next is something I hope nobody ever has to witness, ever. If God shit directly on me, I imagine it was some what similiar to that effect. I walked in on two guys having sex.
My miracle day turned into dooms day. Why me I thought. Not only did I walk in on two guys doing the "swimmy swa swa" which is bad enough, but I also desparetly needed to relieve myself for much different reasons. I just had to pee. I know you're all wondering if I made it, and yes I did finally find a restroom just in time. Okay, maybe a little bit of drippage, but nothing noticable.
I'm more worried about what sort of psychological damage this had on me. I will probably be the one student from LCCC who has to drop out of college because I have somehow developed this fear of campus bathrooms. Who knows though. All I can say is that all my emotions, hopes, and dreams where on one crazy roller-coaster ride that day in september. A roller-coaster that came off the tracks and crashed into a burning oil-tanker.
But hey, at least I got out of a boring class, and in turn was put into a situation that has changed my view of LCCC for life.
Its hard to figure out where to begin the story. So many factors and minute details to reveal. All I can say is that it couldn't have started any other way. It is the kind of story that can't be made up. It would be impossible. Some may call it irony at its finest. Or maybe just a good story. However it is labeled, one thing is for sure, I will never forget that day in september when I discovered LCCC is not just an average and boring community college that it so often gets named.
It began during a boring Earth Science course around 1:00 in the afternoon. It was the sort of class that put students in comas. Nobody cared for it. It felt more like a waste of time. So the class is sitting there desparetly fighting off sleep, when a miracle happens. The power goes out. It wasn't that unusual, but it was exciting enough to wake the class. I'm not sure what other students were thinking, but I was hoping like no other that class would be canceled due to the unexpected blackout.
Ofcourse it wasn't though and the determined professor decided to press on without fear of no electricity, and no lights. My hopes were needless to say, crushed.
I can't express how it feels to be in a boring class, let alone a boring class without lights on. There was no way I was going to be able to stay awake. I could barely do that with the lights on. I was screwed. Then miracle number two happened. The fire alarm sounded.
I felt like a little kid on christmas eve ready to be spoiled. It was like God answered my prayer. Class was obviously canceled due to the unexpected alarm. I had the rest of the day to forget about the boring class, the boring teacher, and the boring material that I really never learned anyway because I wasn't paying attention in the first place.
It really did feel like a miracle. The building we were in was the only building where the fire alarm went off. It had to be a miracle.
As I exited the building, not to be too crude, but I noticed I had to urinate, pretty badly. I had ants in my pants, what can I say. My bladder felt like it was going to explode. I realized later that it was due to drinking 7 cups of coffee and an Arizona green tea right before class. It was inevitable, and it hit me like a bag of bricks.
Now, I can't use the bathroom in the building I was in because of the fire alarm. That was obvious. So I headed towards the closest building, that I knew of, with an accessible bathroom.
I can't imagine what I looked like. Running around campuse deperately trying to find a restroom. I know I looked something like a mix of a "jerk" and an "ass-hat". I'd say that's about right.
So I find the rest room. But there is a problem. The power is out. Thank God I smoke cigarettes because if I didn't, then I would not happen to have a lighter, and that would utimately result in me pissing blind. Which is not a skill I have mastered quite yet.
Anyway, lighter in hand, I entered. What happened next is something I hope nobody ever has to witness, ever. If God shit directly on me, I imagine it was some what similiar to that effect. I walked in on two guys having sex.
My miracle day turned into dooms day. Why me I thought. Not only did I walk in on two guys doing the "swimmy swa swa" which is bad enough, but I also desparetly needed to relieve myself for much different reasons. I just had to pee. I know you're all wondering if I made it, and yes I did finally find a restroom just in time. Okay, maybe a little bit of drippage, but nothing noticable.
I'm more worried about what sort of psychological damage this had on me. I will probably be the one student from LCCC who has to drop out of college because I have somehow developed this fear of campus bathrooms. Who knows though. All I can say is that all my emotions, hopes, and dreams where on one crazy roller-coaster ride that day in september. A roller-coaster that came off the tracks and crashed into a burning oil-tanker.
But hey, at least I got out of a boring class, and in turn was put into a situation that has changed my view of LCCC for life.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Ray Bradbury Quote
"We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?"
-Ray Bradbury
-------
This is sort of the point of this site, guys! Jason posted...then got pissed he was the only one. Keep bothering each other because it's the only way you'll make the time to do what you really want.
Death by Mango
I lay in my bed wondering why I even bought a clock with a 4,000-watt light in it. I glows a blue 5:00 am and the room is as bright as daytime. My mind starts to question the situation I am in, as I cannot sleep and have a huge presentation in class later this same morning. You may be asking why I cannot sleep. That answer is simple. I am laying on my bed praying for death. My hands search the circumference of my body in hopes to find an overdosing amount of sleeping pills or a revolver with a single bullet in the barrel. My suicide reasoning? Earlier that night, I ate a mango.
This may sound weird to some, and understandable to others. This was my first mango, and my last. About 45 minutes after devouring this juicy and quite delicious fruit, I discovered that I was allergic to it.
I have never had any food allergies, until this one. I literally tore it apart and loved it. This was about midnight. I was finishing up some homework when my throat started to get scratchy. My nose started running. I then decided to just lie down and go to bed. My halogen clock glowed 1:15. This is my favorite part of the story; this is when my throat began to swell. I had to take slow breaths and I thought that I should maybe give a quick call to the old hospital; after all, we do go way back.
Then my mind wondered in other directions. I couldn’t help but think about my favorite comedian, Dane Cook and a bit he does about ways to die. He talks about getting killed with a “rogue tire” and about dying as a result of being stung by a swarm of bees. In his literary excellence he states, “fuck bees”. I laughed at this point. I thought about allergies in general and about how people can be killed from things that shouldn’t kill you.
If I died on this pathetic night, I would have been killed by a freakin’ mango. A MANGO! How sad is that. And what if I had an extremely adventurous life before that. My tombstone would be awful. It would read, “here lies Brandan Baki, he was a loving father and husband, mountain climber, skydiver, crocodile hunter, ninja fighter. Mango’s were his kryptonite.” That is sad. To die from any allergy is embarrassing; poison ivy, penicillin, peanuts, milk. All of it sounds so crazy and you would think that we humans, you know, the rulers of the world, would have a little defense against these silent killers.
So I now have a little laughter and the night doesn’t seem so terrible. I continue laying there and it is now that awful 5:00 am death light that I stare at. I get up to blow my nose more. Here is where I discover the best part. I glance in the mirror to find two extremely puffy eyes that are about 1/16 of an inch open and a jaw that is wider than Brad Pitt’s. I laugh again, but it hurts this time. I lie back down and stare at the ceiling thinking about how long it would take them to find my decayed body. I hope that they think I died of an extreme amount of manly testosterone instead of finding a mango in my fecal matter.
My phone rings and it is my girlfriend. It seems like days have passed but it is only 8:00 am. The swelling in my jaw has gone down but it is sore and I try to explain my situation to her worried voice but it is hard to talk. Being in college I have found one thing to be increasingly evident; I need my mommy. So I called her. She told me to go to the store and get some medicine and so I suited up and started my travels.
Living in Chicago has many perks, one being the minorities. I love seeing this cluster of countries all grouped together and living in the same building. This was not a good thing this morning though. My swollen eyes were now just swollen puffs underneath them. My eyes were squinted and I looked Chinese. This would seem okay, or even funny, but I think that was the problem. I live in a building with old people, Chinese people and some college kids. I rode on the elevator for 16 floors and the Chinese people stared at me. I walked to the store and the Chinese people stared at me. I felt bad because I felt that they thought I was making fun of them; if that makes any sense. They stared like I put makeup on before I went out to look Chinese. As you and I both know, this was not the case. I felt I should apologize before getting a samurai sword to the skull. Instead I just kept my head down and ran in and out of the store.
I took my meds and carried on. The day was rough and I looked like I had two black eyes. I rocked my presentation and went to class and work all day. I was a trooper and I know that I will never let a mango whoop my ass again.
I prayed that this would be the end of my week but it was not. The following day I was kicking a soccer ball in my apartment and I popped my back and couldn’t stand up so I napped on the floor for four hours and was able to stand but not turn my head. The next night I came home at four in the morning and had been drinking a bit. When I walked into my apartment, the lights were off and I stepped on that pesky soccer ball and fell into the corner of a wall. I gashed my right eyebrow open and it bled for about an hour. I went to sleep with a paper towel on it and it hurt something else to rip it off in the morning. I have a rad scar but a pathetic story as a result.
This ramble was just to help the world to understand the dangers when living life. You can’t think about them from day to day but you have to know that the littlest things could totally end you; a bee, mango, soccer ball, angry Chinese with samurai swords. It is these dangers that make life so unpredictable and beautiful. Live your life to the extreme and don’t ever be surprised if you find on your grave, “death by mango”.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Welcome to Elyria Writers!
This goal for this blog space is to be an oasis for authors of all sorts. Please read and post all you want. If you want to be an author and feature your work, just contact me and I will get you started. We hope to have several writers who post often. You can post to get feedback or just to share. Either way, all is welcome.
Please post anything and everything you want to share. Anything with words will work. Short stories, poetry, prose, songs, whatever you have.
So I hope to hear from you all very soon and I look forward to reading all your great writing!
Please post anything and everything you want to share. Anything with words will work. Short stories, poetry, prose, songs, whatever you have.
So I hope to hear from you all very soon and I look forward to reading all your great writing!
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