The Men's Room

(Pete Sminkle sits at his cubicle and bounces his knees. He downs the last of his cup of coffee and closes a document on his computer. He stands up quickly and Jan is standing on the other side.)

JAN
Hey Pete! How are things going?

PETE
Good Jan, I’m real good and I’d love to tell you about it but I’m kind of in a hurry.

JAN
Well, I just wanted to stop by and say hey.

(Bill walks past the cubicle)

BILL
Hey there colleagues. What a beautiful Monday! Pound it!

(Bill makes a fist and points it at Pete. Pete is slow to react but connects with his fist. Bill leaves.)

PETE
What a beautiful Monday? Is he serious?

JAN
Well, I’d steer clear of Bill anyways, he’s been ranting and raving all morning about winning the sales contest. It’s really getting annoying.

PETE
(Fast without pauses)
Oh really Jan, that’s awesome, I gotta go, see ya later!

JAN
Well, maybe we can hang out this . . .

(Pete leaves before Jan can finish her sentence. Pete races toward the restroom in short steps with his butt clenched together. He gets to the restroom and sees Bill walk in before him. He hesitates and takes a deep breath, then walks in. Bill’s shiny shoes dangle under one stall and Pete goes into another that is two stalls down. He undoes his pants and sits down.)

BILL
(Deep sigh)
Unbelievable! Un-be-lieve-able! Sheesh, I cannot believe this. Hmm. Is someone over there?

PETE
Uh, what? Me?

BILL
Hey! Pete Sminkle! Is that you!? Sminks!
PETE
Hey Bill.

(Bill pulls his pants back up and comes out of his stall and into the one next to Pete. He shuts the door, undoes his pants and sits down.)

BILL
Sorry about all the noise over there, it’s just this stupid phone. I told my wife we didn’t need the same phone, but she wanted matching ones. Maybe a pink faceplate I suggested but no. So they got switched up and I brought hers to work. Unbelievable huh, Sminkle?

PETE
Yea, that’s pretty crazy Bill.

BILL
So, I don’t know if you heard or not, but it looks as if I pulled in the most sales this month. That’s 3 in a row Sminks. Hat Trick! Pound it!

(Bill reaches his fist under the stall)

PETE
Do What? No man.

(Pete brushes Bill’s hand away with his foot)

BILL
That’s one more Home Depot gift card in the bank. And they don’t play here Sminkle, that thing is worth 50 buckaroos. Pretty sweet huh? I guess that’s just what happens when you love your job like I do. I truly have a love for this place, good old region 503.
(Pause. Followed by a loud farting noise)
Wooooooo buddy. So what are ya in for? The weekend wets or is this one scheduled?

PETE
What? I don’t know.

(Long pause with coughs, farts and moans)

BILL
So did you hear the big news? I had the most sales again this month.

PETE
Yea, Bill we just talked about that, not 2 minutes ago.

BILL
Yea, man. Hat trick. I don’t even know what I’m gonna spend it on. We need lighting fixtures and the wife’s been on my back about the gazebo. I wonder if 50 bucks will cover the gazebo wood. Hmm, maybe I’ll start on the armoire. Not real sure what it is, I think it’s like an entertainment center with a footrest. Maybe I’ll just wait until next month when I win again. That’s be four times in a row. Hey Sminkle, what do you call four in a row? Quad trick. Quad trick Smink?

PETE
Yea, I don’t know.

BILL
Well anyway.
(pause)
So, casual Friday is coming up.

PETE
It “comes up” every week, Bill. And today is the furthest work day from it.

BILL
Yea, well I think I’m gonna wear my planet Hollywood shirt. It’s the one I got in Georgia. Did I ever tell you about that trip? Talk about tropical, Sminks. Yea.

(Long Pause)

BILL
Sex, drugs, rock and roll. Speed, weed, birth control. Life’s a bitch and then you die. So, fuck the world and let’s get high.

PETE
What?

BILL
Just some bathroom poetry. Some of the things in here are so beautiful. Man, people must really find a lot of inspiration while they take a ride to brown town. Man, this stuff is great. What does yours say Smink?

PETE
There’s a lot of stuff Bill.

BILL
Come on read some.

PETE
Well, there’s a lot of racist comments. Most of it is pretty offensive. I’d rather not read them.

BILL
Read one man, come one.

PETE
Well, there are a lot of names and numbers. Hey, Jan’s number is in here. . . . OK, and apparently there is a woman who is called the boa constrictor because she can swallow you whole. I don’t know what that means but there is an arrow that points to it indicating she is a dirty ho dinger. And there’s a penis drawn next to it.

BILL
What a little freak. Sminkle, please tell me there’s a number.

PETE
There’s a number, Bill.

BILL
Sminks, what I am about to say is very important. I have never held more conviction. I have never spoke words that were more important than this. Sminkle?

PETE
Yea?

BILL
Call. That. Number! Call it Sminky. Call that number.

PETE
No, I’m not gonna call it.

BILL
You have to Sminks. You absolutely have to. This is so important. Dude, you used to always do this crazy stuff. We used to call you brass balls Sminks. Man, you’re gonna back out now after all we’ve been through. We used to hang out all . . .

PETE
(Interrupts)
Bill, we have never hung out before. You never called me brass anything. I gotta get going. If I’m gonna beat you in this fourth month I gotta start now. See ya Bill.

(Pete lifts his feet as though he is leaving. He jingles his pants and kicks the door open. He pats his hands on his thighs to make a walking sound. A pause)

BILL
Sminkle, you’re still here.

PETE
Fine Bill I’ll call! But only if you let me finish in silence.

BILL
I promise Sminks. This is going to be awesome.

(Pete dials)


PETE
It’s ringing.

BILL
Yea, call that slut.

PETE
I am Bill relax.

(Bill’s wife’s phone begins ringing)

PETE
Hey, Bill your wife’s phone is ringing. This is awkward.

(Blackout.)