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My symbolic superhero features are as followed:

I wear hand me down clothes even if they don’t fit correctly. If I had a uniform on my superpower would not work.

My name is Milo.

In general there is to be one distinct feature on me at all times to cover up my lameness and seemingly unenthusiastic approach.

I try not to walk on cracks in the sidewalk. That’s more of a game than anything.

Sometimes I pretend to be blind.

Sunday’s are a day of rest, so I can’t be a superhero on these days- I’m just myself.

Often times I will disagree with conservative politics. But I’ll drive a Ford.

I’ll buy stock in The Longaberger Company and sell their baskets door to door and not even ask for money in exchange, only donations, because I love the baskets so much.

I’ll partake in a monthly book clubs that only reads romantic novels.

On the back of my Ford truck I will have bumper stickers. They will read: 1 cross + 2 nails = Forgiveness…I’m 59% pussycat And 49% Bitch, Don’t push it…It takes a lot of balls to golf Like I do…If God Didn’t want us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made em’ out of meat!…Asshole not just a word a lifestyle…Gun control means using both hands…and finally (I made this one up) hippies ruin grass.

I will go to the democratic convention with a tide eyed grateful dead T-shirt (hand me down of course) and talk about supporting the war.

I will try and use my car door remote to open up doors and set alarms off at the office building I work at.

The European cut Speedo is my preferred beach wear attire.

As often I possible I will make Boyz II Men references-that no one else will get.

I will offer candy to little kids only to be rejected because all I give out is black licorice, banana runts, and the occasional bit o’ honey.

My diet consists of mostly green beans and pears.

My favorite past time is watching highlights of the 1995 Cleveland Indians, in particularly Kenny Lofton’s steal from second base to home on a wild pitch from Randy Johnson in Game 6 of the ALCS.

Whenever anyone asks me if I’ve heard of the television show Seinfeld I’ll just say no and cite my 8th grade D.A.R.E. program leader officer Bob.

I’ll get into all of my favorite concerts for free using a fake CIA badge. If the bouncer asks why I must go in I’ll tell him that if I don’t the band will not play. If he still doesn’t believe me than I’ll call the police.